


Criss Angel is a Douchebag (4.12)

by ackles_ass_equation



Series: Superghetto [73]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 66 Seals (Supernatural), Dean's Amulet, Demon Blood, Hoodoo, Tarot Cards, Witches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 13:14:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8403043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ackles_ass_equation/pseuds/ackles_ass_equation
Summary: Sam n' Dean is faced wit magicians delvin up in black magic. They rewind afta nuff muthafuckin playas wind up dead up in ways similar ta tha illusions tha magicians big-ass up on stage.





	1. Now

_EXT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. STREET – NIGHT_

A MAGICIAN demonstrates turnin a heart-shaped balloon tha fuck into a thugged-out dove, ta applause from tha crowd. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! A sign on a nearby streetlight readz  _IOWA Celebrates MAGIC WEEK WELCOME tha Internationistic Association of Magicians SIOUX CITY_.

**BAR**

_INT. BAR – NIGHT_

A MAGICIAN practices a cold-ass lil card-handlin move fo' realz. Another MAGICIAN, a OLD MAN, JAY, demonstrates a one-handed cut ta tha BARTENDER.

 **JAY  
** Charlier cut.

 **BARTENDER  
** Wow. Yo ass is straight-up good.

Another MAGICIAN, a YOUNGER MAN, VANCE, n' his ASSISTANT is chillin nearby.

 **VANCE  
** Yeah, pimped out. Show our asses another.

 **ASSISTANT  
** Finish yo' drink, Vance.

 **JAY  
** This be a simple riffle shuffle.

JAY shufflez tha deck n' fumblez a shitload of tha cards. VANCE laughs.

 **BARTENDER  
** Do a cold-ass lil card trick fo' mah dirty ass.

 **VANCE  
** Ooh, here we go, Da Incredible Jay.

 **JAY  
** All right, lil' lady, would you please tell me when ta stop?

JAY rifflez tha edge of tha cards, stoppin when:

 **BARTENDER  
** Stop.

JAY holdz up part of tha deck, showin tha card da thug was stopped on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude aint peeped tha card his dirty ass: itz tha three of spades.

 **JAY  
** This is yo' card. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Commit it ta memory, hm?

JAY puts tha deck back together, tha three of spades apparently somewhere up in tha middle.

 **VANCE  
** Thatz incredible, Jay.

 **ASSISTANT  
** Don't be a jerk.

 **JAY  
** Right, now, nahmeean?..

JAY spreadz tha cardz up face-down, then uses tha four of diamondz ta flip dem all face-up.

 **JAY  
** Do you peep yo' card?

 **BARTENDER  
** Um...no, I don't.

JAY fucks wit tha cards, makin tha BARTENDER laugh.

 **JAY  
** Fuck dat shit, tha cardz say no.

VANCE stage-whispers.

 **VANCE  
** Peep his thugged-out lil' pocket.

 **ASSISTANT  
** For Godz sake, Vance.

VANCE gets up.

 **VANCE  
** Oh, just check—check tha damn pocket!

 **JAY  
** So, if you then would remove—

VANCE comes over n' clears his cold-ass throat yo. Dude pulls a cold-ass lil card outta JAYz pocket n' turns it over.

 **VANCE  
** This yo' card?

It aint nuthin but tha three of spades.

 **BARTENDER  
** Why is you so mean, biatch? Can't you just leave tha oldschool muthafucka alone?

JAY is taken aback.

**THEATER**

_INT. THEATER – NIGHT_

"I Am tha Douchebag" by Christopher Lennertz n' Steve Frangadakis plays fo' realz. Another MAGICIAN, a YOUNG MAN, JEB DEXTER, is practicin a trick involvin flyin on wires, smoke, n' flames up in tha palmz of his hands, ta a lil' small-ass crew.

 **MUSIC**  
Yo ass can't peep mah dirty ass  
Yo ass can't feel mah dirty ass  
But I'ma make it real

Yet ANOTHER MAGICIAN, CHARLIE, a OLD MAN wit a funky-ass birthmark above his bangin right eye, is one of tha crew members. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So is JAY n' so is yet ANOTHER MAGICIAN, VERNON, a OLD MAN.

 **MUSIC  
** Testify

 **CHARLIE  
** Is da thug bustin eyeliner?

MUSIC Sanctify Electrify

 **VERNON  
** Can't tell. I be blinded by all tha sterlin silver.

 **MUSIC  
** I be tha spirit of tha night

 **JEB  
** Da light has ta find me!

Da noize stops.

 **JEB  
** Git it, biatch? It, it has ta find me!

 **HELPER  
** Letz take it back.

CHARLIE What a thugged-out douchebag.

 **JAY  
** Would you muthafuckas give it a rest, biatch? Yo ass is givin me a headache.

 **VERNON  
** Oh, come on, Jay yo. His misdirect is bobbin his thugged-out ass like a Eighth Avenue hooker.

 **CHARLIE  
** Used ta be bout skill.

 **JAY  
** Yeah, used ta be. Used ta be. Listen ta tha two of you, biatch. It aint nuthin but pathetic. Bitta oldschool pimps poppin' off bout tha glory days. Yo ass know what, biatch? This douchebag aint tha joke. We are.

CHARLIE Yo, whoz ass you callin a joke?

 **JAY  
** Me, fo' one.

JEBz act is back on.

 **MUSIC**  
Mystify  
Sanctify  
Electrify

JAY That used ta be us.

 **MUSIC  
** I be tha spirit of tha night

 **JAY  
** Yo ass know, maybe he be a thugged-out douchebag—

 **MUSIC**  
Mystify  
Sanctify  
Electrify

 **JAY  
** But he playin tha main stage n' we can't even afford a assistant. What tha hell is our phat asses bustin?

 **CHARLIE  
** Us dudes bustin all right.

MUSIC I be tha vision of night

 **JAY  
** Fuck dat shit, we not. We sad, we old, n' our phat asses dying.

 **CHARLIE  
** Jay.

 **JAY  
** I'ma do tha Table of Dirtnap tonight.

 **VERNON  
** No. Fuck dat shit, you not, Jay. Don't be crazy.

 **CHARLIE  
** Yo ass almost capped yo ass tha last time you tried it, n' dat was thirty muthafuckin years ago!

 **JAY  
** Oh, whoz ass cares if it kills me son, biatch? At least I be bout ta go up wit a headline.

**DINNER THEATER**

_INT. THEATER – NIGHT_

SOMEONE up in tha crew is yawning. JAY is onstage up in a tuxedo.

 **JAY  
** Ladies n' gentlemen, what tha fuck yo ass be bout ta peep aint a trick or a illusion—simply a gangbangin' finger-lickin' display of darin n' dexterity.

JAY lies down on a table labeled  _Table of Dirtnap_. CHARLIE cuffs his ass down.

 **JAY  
** Now, lil' lady, if you gonna please check tha bindings, you gonna peep they straight-up real. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. Straight-up tight.

A YOUNG WOMAN tests each of tha cuffs.

 **JAY  
** Nuff props, biatch. Yo ass may take yo' seat.

 **CHARLIE  
** Damn straight they tight. Yo ass shizzle you can slip them?

JAY smirks.

Above tha table is ten swords, each wit a funky-ass blade stained red. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! CHARLIE pulls a cold-ass lil curtain, hidin JAY n' tha swordz from view. Da lights go out. Backstage, VERNON do tha sign of tha cross. CHARLIE picks up a miniature blowtorch n' goes over ta VERNON. They rap silently. JAY tries ta slip tha cuffs; they too tight. CHARLIE lights tha blowtorch, then tha end of a cold-ass lil cord attached ta a rope.

_EXT yo. HOTEL PATRICIA – NIGHT_

VANCE n' his ASSISTANT is leavin Patz Pub.

ASSISTANT Showz up in a hour, Vance. Try ta be on time.

VANCE waves her off.

_INT. THEATER – NIGHT_

Da cord burns wit much light n' smoke n' sparks fo' realz. A light behind tha curtain shows JAYz silhouette as da perved-out muthafucka strugglez ta git outta tha cuffs.

_EXT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. STREET – NIGHT_

VANCE strutts along.

_INT. THEATER – NIGHT_

Da cord burns ta tha end n' all up in tha rope. Da swordz fall, piercin tha table. JAYz silhouette is still on tha table.

_EXT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. STREET – NIGHT_

VANCE stumbles, pressin his handz ta his chest, n' falls.

_INT. THEATER – NIGHT_

Da lights is back on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. CHARLIE tugs one curtain aside, JAY tha other n' shit. JAY takes a funky-ass bow fo' realz. A standin ovation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. JAY accepts tha applause, lookin confused. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!

_EXT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. STREET – NIGHT_

VANCE is lyin on tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Blood soaks his white hoodie from nuff muthafuckin places under tha shirt.

 


	2. Act One

**_STREET_ **

_EXT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. STREET – DAY_

JEB DEXTER is bustin card tricks fo' a crew.

 **JEB  
** This, dis aint a trick, aiiight, biatch? I, I, I don't do tricks. This be a thugged-out demonstration about demons n' angels—

DEAN n' SAM, bustin suits, approach JEB.

 **JEB  
** —ludd n' lust—

 **DEAN  
** What a thugged-out douchebag.

There is a CAMERAPERSON n' a MICROPHONE PERSON up in tha crew.

 **JEB  
** —all dat shiznit mixed up in mah head.

 **SAM  
** Thatz Jeb Dexter.

 **DEAN  
** I don't even wanna know how tha fuck you know that.

 **SAM  
** Dat punk famous, kind of.

 **JEB  
** —but whatever happens, no matta how—

 **DEAN  
** For what, biatch? Douchebaggery?

 **JEB  
** —messed up it gets, don't bust a nut on me, aiiight? For yo' own safety.

JEB inhales.

JEB exhales, bobbin his head, then imitates suttin' like a seizure. With one hand he grabs fo' tha cardz up in his other hand n' scattas them, flingin dem up in tha direction of tha window behind his muthafuckin ass.

 **JEB  
** Go back ta hell, demon!

Da card dat sticks ta tha window is tha ace of diamonds. JEB drags his hand over tha card ta show dat itz on tha far side of tha glass.

 **JEB  
** Is dis yo' card?

_Applause._

**DEAN  
** You've gots ta be kiddin mah dirty ass fo' realz. A fake demon possession?

DEAN headz away n' SAM bigs up.

DEAN I can't believe playas straight-up fall fo' dat crap.

 **SAM  
** It aint nuthin but not all crap.

 **DEAN  
** What part of dat was not a steamin pile of BS?

 **SAM  
** Okay, dat was crap yo, but thatz not all magicians. It takes skill.

 **DEAN  
** Oh, right, right, I forgot. Yo ass was straight-up tha fuck into dis stuff, weren't yo slick ass? I mean, you had, you had, like a thugged-out deck of cardz n' a wand.

 **SAM  
** Dude, I was thirteen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Dat shiznit was a phase.

 **DEAN  
** Just—it bugs mah dirty ass. Yo ass know, playin at demons and, n' magic, when tha real thang will bust a cap up in you bloody.

 **SAM  
** Like a muthafucka whoz ass drops dead of ten stab wounds without a single tear up in his shirt?

 **DEAN  
** Thatz what tha fuck I be poppin' off about.

**_VANCE'S HOTEL ROOM_ **

_INT yo. HOTEL ROOM – DAY_

VANCE'S ASSISTANT tosses a funky-ass bunch of metal rings tha fuck into a mostly-packed trunk. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch turns ta grill SAM n' DEAN.

 **DEAN  
** So did yo' boss have any enemies dat you know of?

 **ASSISTANT  
** Vizzle had nuff enemies.

She leans down n' grabs tha end of a seriez of tied-together handkerchizzles.

 **SAM  
** How tha fuck so?

 **ASSISTANT  
** Dude would loot from other magicians fo' realz. All tha time.

 **SAM  
** What would da perved-out muthafucka steal?

 **ASSISTANT  
** Stage effects, closeup steez, anythang his schmoooove ass could git his handz on.

 **DEAN  
** Is dat enough ta git his ass capped?

 **ASSISTANT  
** These muthafuckas take dis shiznit pretty seriously.

She moves a cold-ass lil cloth off a white rabbit.

 **ASSISTANT  
** There yo ass is.

She bendz down ta pick up n' pet tha rabbit.

 **DEAN  
** Did yo dirty ass find anythang weird up in Vancez stuff, biatch? Well, weirder?

 **ASSISTANT  
** Matta of fact, I done did.

She puts tha bunny up in a funky-ass bag n' pulls up a Rider-Waite tarot card: tha Ten of Swords. Da image on tha card iz of ten swordz stickin outta a manz back.

 **SAM  
** I be guessin dis didn't belong ta Vance.

 **ASSISTANT  
** Dude hated card tricks. Never wanted dem around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Let ridin' solo up in his thugged-out lil' precious cape.

She handz over tha card. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! SAM looks at both sidez of it: it be lookin like a perfectly ordinary tarot card.

**_JAY'S HOTEL ROOM_ **

_INT yo. HOTEL ROOM – DAY_

JAY is practicin card tricks when SOMEONE knocks on tha door yo. Dude grins n' goes over ta open tha door, then waves his ass in: itz CHARLIE.

 **CHARLIE  
** Yo ass gonna tell me how tha fuck you done did it?

 **JAY  
** Did what?

 **CHARLIE  
** Yo ass know what.

 **JAY  
** Da pimped out ones never give away tha how.

 **CHARLIE  
** Yesterdizzle you was sad, old, n' dying. Todizzle you one of tha pimped out ones, biatch? Come on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. This is me you poppin' off to.

 **JAY  
** Yo ass didn't be thinkin I could do dat shit.

 **CHARLIE  
** Fuck dat shit, Jay, I didn't. Yo ass is mah playa, mah dopest playa yo, but it ain't no stoppin cause I be still poppin'. I just didn't wanna peep you git hurt.

JAY goes back ta playin wit tha cards.

 **JAY  
** Charlie, you wanna peep something, biatch? Look at this.

JAY cuts tha deck nuff muthafuckin times n' extracts three cardz from it, all three aces.

 **CHARLIE  
** Not bad.

 **JAY  
** 'Not bad', biatch? I've been hustlin ta pull a ace outta tha middle of tha deck fo' years, just one, n' now I can pull three.

 **CHARLIE  
** Still missin tha ace of hearts.

 **JAY  
** I wanna do tha Executioner tonight.

CHARLIE Is you tryin ta git yo ass capped?

JAY It aint nuthin but just a rope slip.

 **CHARLIE  
** Houdini wouldn't try tha Executioner.

 **JAY  
** Exactly. Think bout it, Charlie. If I can pull dis off...

 **CHARLIE  
** I be thinkin you pushin yo' luck.

 **JAY  
** It wasn't luck. Well shiiiit, it wasn't yo. Here, stand over there.

JAY moves CHARLIE ta where da thug wants his muthafuckin ass.

JAY Letz not end up like this, Charlie, a cold-ass lil couple oldschool farts bustin birthdays n' bar mitzvahs.

 **CHARLIE  
** Beats dying.

 **JAY  
** Do it?

 **CHARLIE  
** I would do anythang fo' you, biatch. Yo ass know dis shit. But I'ma not peep you take a thugged-out dirt nap. I be bout ta miss dat show.

 **JAY  
** Fuck dat shit, you gonna be there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Yo ass be always there fo' mah dirty ass. Peep yo' pocket.

CHARLIE checks his coat pocket, then his hoodie pocket; tha ace of hearts is there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. CHARLIE laughs.

 **CHARLIE  
** Thatz good, Jay. Thatz pretty damn good.

 **JAY  
** I can do it, Charlie. I wanna do dat shit.

CHARLIE nods. JAY laughs.

**_THEATER_ **

_INT. THEATER – DAY_

Therez a sign up dat readz  _Da Incredible Jay_  over tha Table of Dirtnap. JEB DEXTER is on tha beeper nearby.

 **JEB  
** It aint nuthin but a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shitty gig. I be up in a gangbangin' fleabag hotel bustin dis man-of-the-people crap, n' freakin Angelz up in Vegas bustin Cirque du Soleil! That should done been mine.

JEB sits down at a table. CHARLIE n' VERNON is at a adjacent table. DEAN approaches dem wild-ass muthafuckas.

 **JEB  
** All right, thugs, git it up in gear, I don't gots all day.

JEBz CAMERAPERSON n' MICROPHONE PERSON start moving. DEAN crouches behind VERNON.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass Vernon Haskell?

 **VERNON**  
Whoz asking?   
DEAN Federal agent. Ulrich.

DEAN shows his ass a STD ID.

 **DEAN  
** Lookin tha fuck into tha dirtnap of Patrick Vance.

JEB talks tha fuck into tha camera. Dat punk chillin across from JAY.

 **JEB  
** I be Jeb Dexter n' shit. This is  _Devil Twist_. We chillin all up in tha Internationistic Magicians' Convention, which be a thugged-out dope chizzle ta tip mah basebizzle cap ta tha wicked pussies whoz ass came before mah dirty ass. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Tokin bangin' effect last night, Jim.

 **JAY  
** Jay.

 **JEB  
** Huh?

 **JAY  
** Hoes call me Jay.

JEB Yeah, whatever n' shit. We can loop it later.

 **VERNON  
** What a thugged-out douchebag.

 **DEAN  
** Couldn't smoke mo' n' mo' n' mo'. Is, uh—

DEAN pulls up tha Ten of Swords.

 **DEAN  
** This familiar ta yo slick ass?

 **VERNON  
** Should it be?

 **DEAN  
** Well, I heard dat you used tarot cardz up in yo' act.

 **VERNON  
** My fuckin act?

VERNON laughs.

 **VERNON  
** That was a long-ass time ago. I aint touched a thugged-out deck up in years, you know...

VERNON holdz up a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass bobbin hand.

 **DEAN  
** Do you know one of mah thugs dat might use dem now?

 **VERNON  
** Well, there was a muthafucka down on Bleeker Street.

 **CHARLIE  
** Oh, yeah yo. He, he peddlez dat kind of specialty stuff.

 **DEAN  
** Did dat schmoooove muthafucka gotz a problem wit Vance?

 **VERNON  
** Matta of fact, Vizzle crossed his ass on some year ago. Probably cost his ass fifty grand up in royalties.

CHARLIE nods.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass know tha exact address?

 **VERNON  
** Four twenty-six Bleeker.

 **CHARLIE  
** Ask fo' Chief.

 **DEAN  
** Chief. Nuff props, biatch.

**_BLEEKER ST._ **

_EXT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. STREET – NIGHT_

DEAN strutts along tha street till his schmoooove ass comes ta a neon sign sayin  _426_. DEAN knocks on tha bars on tha door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Da chain-link door swings open, revealin a YOUNG MAN whoz ass eyes DEAN.

 **DEAN  
** I'm, uh, here ta peep Chief.

Da YOUNG MAN raises his wild lil' fuckin eyebrows n' opens tha barred door.

_INT. BUILDING – NIGHT_

DEAN bigs up tha YOUNG MAN downstairs.

 **YOUNG MAN  
** Stay here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Don't bust a nut on anything.

Da YOUNG MAN leaves. DEAN looks around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Therez graffiti on tha walls n' tha bass line of noize be audible fo' realz. A door opens n' DEAN turns ta grill it: a LARGE MAN, CHIEF, climbs tha stairs, backlit, n' tha noize is mo' clearly heard. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! CHIEF is bustin all leather n' carryin a gangbangin' flogger, which da perved-out muthafucka slaps tha fuck into his other hand a cold-ass lil couple times.

 **CHIEF  
** Yo ass is straight-up gonna git it tonight, big-ass boy.

 **DEAN  
** Therez been a misunderstanding. I, uh, be thinkin I've been had.

 **CHIEF**  
Oh, you ain't been had till you been had by tha Chief.

DEAN frowns.

 **CHIEF**   
Oh, n' before we git started, whatz yo' safeword?

DEAN swallows.

**_MOTEL ROOM_ **

_INT. MOTEL ROOM – NIGHT_

SAM is chillin at a table hustlin on his fuckin laptop fo' realz. A knock all up in tha door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM looks up, waits, then gets up n' goes ta peer all up in tha peephole yo. Dude sighs n' opens tha door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. It aint nuthin but RUBY, arms folded.

 **SAM  
** What is you bustin here, Ruby?

 **RUBY  
** I should be askin you tha same thang.

RUBY comes in.

 **SAM  
** I be hustlin a thang.

 **RUBY  
** Da whole ghettoz bout ta be engulfed up in hellfire, n' you up in Magictown, USA.

SAM laughs.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass gots suttin' against magic?

RUBY That would almost be funky if thirty-four seals hadn't been fucked up already. Thirty-four, Sam. Thatz over halfway. Da angels is losin dis war. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Every dizzle is one dizzle closer, n' if one of mah thugs don't do suttin' soon—

 **SAM  
** And dat one of mah thugs is me son?

 **RUBY  
** Dum diddy-dum, here I come biaaatch! Who tha fuck else would it be?

 **SAM  
** I don't give a fuck where these seals are. I don't give a fuck squat. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So why don't you tell me where you'd like me ta start?

 **RUBY  
** Well, you can quit dickin round here, fo' one. Bigger fish, Sam fo' realz. And if tha seals is bein broken, you might wanna go afta tha one bustin tha breaking.

 **SAM  
** Lilith?

 **RUBY  
** Cut tha head off tha snake. Yo ass is tha only one whoz ass can stop her, Sam. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So step up n' bust a cap up in tha lil biiiatch.

 **SAM  
** Oh, I be game, believe mah dirty ass. It aint nuthin but not tha psycho thang I gots a problem with.

 **RUBY  
** Yeah, I know what tha fuck you gots a problem wit yo, but tough cause I gots dem finger-lickin' chickens wit tha siz-auce. It aint nuthin but tha only way.

 **SAM  
** No.

RUBY Yo ass know, dis would all be all kindsa much easier if you'd just admit ta yo ass dat you like dat shit. That feelin dat it gives you, biatch.

 **SAM  
** Yo ass don't give a fuck what tha fuck you poppin' off about.

 **RUBY  
** Oh I don't, huh, biatch? Fine.

RUBY goes ta muthafuckin bounce.

 **RUBY  
** It aint nuthin but simple. Lucifer rises, tha apocalypse starts, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Yo ass be thinkin dat you have demons on yo' handz now, biatch? Muthafuckas is gonna die, Sam. Oceanz of people. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So you just let me know when you ready.

RUBY leaves.

**_THEATER_ **

_INT. THEATER – NIGHT_

SAM standz near a entrance. DEAN comes up behind his muthafuckin ass.

 **DEAN  
** Find anythang interesting?

 **SAM  
** What, biatch? Uh, no. You?

 **DEAN  
** Nothang I wanna rap about, or be thinkin about, eva again.

VERNON n' CHARLIE stand together.

 **VERNON  
** Dat punk crazy, n' you know dat shit.

 **CHARLIE  
** Dude say his schmoooove ass can do dat shit.

 **VERNON  
** Did yo dirty ass even try ta rap his ass outta it?

 **CHARLIE  
** Till I was blue up in tha face. But I rap , Vernon, there was...there was suttin' up in his wild lil' fuckin eyes.

 **VERNON  
** 'In his wild lil' fuckin eyes', biatch? Yo ass is both nuts.

DEAN n' SAM approach.

 **DEAN  
** Da Chief, huh?

 **CHARLIE  
** Whatz tha matter, biatch? Chief not yo' type?

CHARLIE smirks. DEAN smirks back.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass know, I could have you both arrested fo' obstruction of justice.

 **VERNON  
** How, biatch? Yo ass is no Fed.

 **CHARLIE  
** We con playas fo' a living, son. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Takes mo' than a gangbangin' fake badge ta git past us.

DEAN laughs. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So do SAM.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass gots us. Yeah, we—we is actually—aspirin magicians.

 **SAM  
** Yeah, we -- We came ta tha convention 'cause we thought we could learn something.

DEAN Yeah, git some scams fo' our freshly smoked up show.

 **VERNON  
** Ooh, what tha fuck kind of show?

 **DEAN  
** Well, it's-- It aint nuthin but a --

 **SAM  
** It aint nuthin but a funky-ass brutha act.

 **DEAN  
** Yeah. Yeah, you know, wit tha rings n' doves and...rings.

 **CHARLIE  
** Yo ass wanna learn something, biatch? Stick around.

 **JAY  
** Ladies n' gentlemen, what tha fuck you bout ta witnizz be a gangbangin' feat so daring, So dangerous, even tha pimped out Houdini dared not attempt dat shit. I give ta you, biatch...Da executioner!

  
INT. JEB'S HOTEL ROOM (Jeb is posin up in front of a mirror)

  
INT. CLUB

 **JAY  
** Now, sir, as you can see, dis jacket is tha real article. Nuff props, sir. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Yo ass may take yo' seat. Now, I'ma have one minute -- 60 secondz --To escape certain dirtnap. Letz peep if I can do dat shit. ( tha curtain falls n' Jayz silhouette is peeped strugglin ta git outta tha straightjacket)

INT. JEB'S HOTEL ROOM (as Jeb poses a noose moved by itself n' positions itself behind him)

INT. CLUB (Jay can be peeped still maneuverin outta tha straightjacket)

 **DEAN  
** I don't be thinkin he gonna make dat shit.

INT. JEB'S HOTEL ROOM (the noose drops round Jebz neck n' pulls his ass up, hangin him)

INT. CLUB (Jay pushes aside tha curtain, unharmed)

 **DEAN  
** Oh! That was sick! That was freakin' sick!

 **SAM  
** That was...not humanly possible.

INT. JEB'S HOTEL ROOM (Jeb hangs from tha noose tied ta tha ceilin hustla , dead)


	3. Act Two

INT yo. HOTEL ROOM

 **SAM  
** Looks like dis muthafucka Jay was a pimpin' big-ass deal up in tha '70s.

 **DEAN  
** Which up in magician land means what, exactly?

 **SAM  
** Big enough ta play radio hood noize hall.

 **DEAN  
** What gots his ass stuck up in they "where is they now?" File?

 **SAM  
** Dude gots old.

 **DEAN  
** Okay, so maybe incredible Jay is rockin real magic ta stage a cold-ass lil comeback.

 **SAM  
** It aint nuthin but possible. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Some kind of spell dat works a thugged-out dirtnap transference.

 **DEAN  
** How tha fuck do tha tarot card mix tha fuck into it?

 **SAM  
** I don't give a gangbangin' fuck.

 **DEAN  
** Man...hope I take a thugged-out dirtnap before I git old. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Whole thang seems brutal, don't it?

 **SAM  
** Yo ass be thinkin we will?

 **DEAN  
** What?

 **SAM  
** Lose Tha Game before we git old.

 **DEAN  
** Haven't we both already?

 **SAM  
** Yo ass know what tha fuck I mean, Dean. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I mean, do you be thinkin we'll still be chasin demons when we 60?

 **DEAN  
** Fuck dat shit, I be thinkin we'll be dead as fuckin fried chicken...for good. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! What, biatch? Yo ass wanna end up like -- Like travis, biatch? Huh?Or Gordon, maybe?

 **SAM  
** Therez Bobby.

 **DEAN  
** Oh, yeah, there be a a posta lil pimp fo' growin oldschool gracefully.

 **SAM  
** Maybe we'll be different, Dean.

 **DEAN  
** What kind of Kool-Aid you drinking, man, biatch? Sammy, it endz bloody or sad. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Thatz just tha game.

 **SAM  
** What if we could win?

 **DEAN  
** "Win"?

 **SAM  
** If there was a way we could just...put a end ta all of dat shit.

 **DEAN  
** Is there suttin' goin on you not spittin some lyrics ta me son?

 **SAM  
** No.

 **DEAN  
** Sammy.

 **SAM  
** No. Look, I be just saying...I just wish there was a way we could...go afta tha source. Thatz all. Cut tha head off tha snake.

 **DEAN  
** Well, tha problem wit tha snake is dat it has a thousand heads. Evil biiiatches just keep pilin outta tha Volkswagen.

 **SAM  
** Yeah. Guess you right.

 **DEAN  
** Why don't you go peep if you can track down Jay, biatch? I be bout ta peep what tha fuck I can dig up on dis tarot card.

INT yo. HOTEL LOBBY

 **SAM  
** Hey.

 **DEAN  
** Maid found Jeb hangin from tha ceilin fan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Popo be thinkin dat shiznit was a suicide. (Dean pulls up another tarot card, dis time of tha hanged man) I beg ta differ n' shit. Pulled a lil sleight of hand mah dirty ass.

 **SAM  
** On Dexterz body?

 **DEAN  
** Yeah, so I be thankin if dis spell be a thugged-out dirtnap transference, then these cardz work like black-Magic targets.

 **SAM  
** Any connection between tha suckas?

 **DEAN  
** Jeb was a total douche bag ta Jay yesterday.

 **SAM  
** What bout tha straight-up original gangsta vic, biatch? Uh, Vance?

 **DEAN  
** Axed around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Apparently, Vizzle was hecklin Jay all up in tha bar tha dizzle da thug was capped.

 **SAM  
** Okay, so Jay sneaks a cold-ass lil card tha fuck into Vancez pocket, do tha table of dirtnap...

 **DEAN  
** And Vizzle takes 10 swordz ta tha chest.

 **SAM  
** Then Jay slips a noose n' Jeb don't yo. Hell of a trick.

 **DEAN  
** Yeah, I be thinkin itz time our crazy asses had a lil chat wit Jay fo' realz. Any luck tailin him?

 **SAM  
** Dude slipped mah dirty ass.

 **DEAN  
** Dat punk a 60-Year-Old.

 **SAM  
** Dat punk a magician.

(Sam & Dean follow Jay ta his hotel room)

 **DEAN  
** Up against tha wall!

 **JAY  
** God, whoz ass is yo slick ass, biatch? What do you want?

 **DEAN  
** Now!

 **SAM  
** We know what tha fuck you've been up to.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass been hustlin some real shitty mojo ta jump-Start yo' act.

 **JAY  
** What, biatch? I don't give a fuck what tha fuck you poppin' off about.

 **SAM  
** Look, we know you put a spell on dem tarot cards.

 **DEAN  
** Messin wit real magic?

 **JAY  
** "Real magic", biatch? Come on, there be a no such thang as real magic.

 **DEAN  
** Oh, is dat so, biatch?

 **JAY  
** Yeah, believe mah dirty ass. Ya Mom shoulda told ya, I been round dis shiznit mah whole game. It aint nuthin but all just --It aint nuthin but -- It's illusions. It aint nuthin but tricks. Well shiiiit, it -- It aint nuthin but all fake.

 **DEAN  
** Jeb Dexta strung up --was dat just a illusion?

 **JAY  
** What, biatch? Somethang happened ta Jeb?

 **SAM  
** Dude was found hanged up in his bangin room. Right afta you slipped tha noose last night.

 **JAY  
** I don't give a fuck what tha fuck you poppin' off about. Please...Just let me go.

 **DEAN  
** Somethingz not right.

 **SAM  
** Usually they whippin some badass hoodoo at our asses by now, nahmeean?

(Sam & Dean have tied Jay ta a cold-ass lil chair)

 **DEAN  
** What do you wanna do?

 **SAM  
** All right, so, if it aint him, whoz ass is it?

 **DEAN  
** Even if Jayz not hustlin tha magic, da perved-out muthafucka still gettin tha reward. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! His shows is pushin out.

 **SAM  
** All right. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So, then, whoever it is, they obviously up in Jayz corner.

 **DEAN  
** All right, so we gots Vernon n' Charlie on tha list fo' realz. Every Muthafucka else?

 **SAM  
** Uh...We could always ask his muthafuckin ass.

(Jay has escaped from tha chair n' is gone)

 **DEAN  
** Guess we should have peeped dat one coming.

 **SAM  
** Come on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Dude couldn't have gotten dat far.

(Sam & Dean leave tha room, Jay peeks outta tha closet)

 **SAM  
** No way his schmoooove ass could outrun us.

 **DEAN  
** Maybe he vanished. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I mean, he straight-up is good.

 **SAM  
** Or he found a funky-ass back door.

(Jay comes up behind dem as tha five-o come tha fuck into tha lobby)

 **JAY  
** Thatz them! Those is tha two nut thangs dat just broke tha fuck into mah room!


	4. Act Three

INT. BACKSTAGE OF THEATER

 **JAY  
** They holla'd mah act is cappin' people. They holla'd dat I was rockin real magic, dat I was castin spells on tarot cards.

 **CHARLIE  
** "Real magic." Those muthafuckas is nuts, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Yo ass is dirty ta be kickin it.

 **JAY  
** Yo ass don't think...

 **CHARLIE  
** What?

 **JAY  
** Well, tha thangs dat I can do now -- Da cards.

 **CHARLIE  
** You've been hustlin tha cardz yo' whole game.

 **JAY  
** Well, what tha fuck bout tha escapes, biatch? I aint been able ta slip a pair of cuffs up in 30 years. And then there was tha way dat -- dat patrick Vizzle died. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! And dat Jeb Dexter.

 **CHARLIE  
** Yeah, no pimped out loss there.

 **JAY  
** Oh, Charlie, da ruffneck didn't deserve ta take a thugged-out dirt nap.

 **CHARLIE  
** Yo ass had not a god damn thang ta do wit dat shit.

 **JAY  
** Dude was hanged tha same night dat I performed tha executioner.

 **CHARLIE  
** Wait a minute. Is you spittin some lyrics ta me dat you straight-up believe dem muthafuckas, biatch? That there was some kind of "real magic" involved?

 **JAY  
** No. I don't give a gangbangin' fuck. I don't give a fuck, maybe. I shouldn't go on tonight, Charlie.

 **CHARLIE  
** Is you kiddin me son, biatch? Yo ass gotz a sold-out doggy den up there, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sold up son! When was tha last time dat happened?

 **JAY  
** Da other night...When I was bustin tha table of dirtnap, I was, um...I was gonna bust a cap up in mah dirty ass fo' realz. And I have no clue how tha fuck I gots up kickin it.

 **CHARLIE  
** But you done did. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Somehow, you done did. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Jay...when you was up in yo' dizzle you was incredible. "Da incredible Jay." Yo ass was tha dopest I eva saw fo' realz. And now you gots it back. I don't give a fuck how tha fuck yo, but it don't matter n' shit. Just ta peep you all up in tha top of yo' game again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Hell, it make me feel young.

 **JAY  
** But

 **CHARLIE  
** No buts, Jay. This may be mana from heaven, I don't give a fuck yo, but whatever it is, you don't throw it away.

INT. THEATER- STAGE

(Jay lies on tha table of dirtnap, Charlie lights tha rope holdin tha plate of swordz up, Charlie goes backstage ta Vernon, Jay standz up unharmed)

 **WOMAN  
** Oh mah god some muthafucka gonna call 911

 **AUDIENCE MEMBER  
** I don't give a fuck

 **JAY  
** Whatz the... (Jay findz Charlie covered up in stab wounds)

INT yo. HOTEL LOBBY

 **SAM  
** Jay. Thanks fo' droppin tha charges.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass mind spittin some lyrics ta our asses why you done did it?

 **JAY  
** We gotta talk.

INT. BAR

 **JAY  
** I was just a kid when we first kicked it wit fo' realz. All I knew was how tha fuck ta cheat at cards. Charlie gots me outta mo' scrapes than I can count yo. Hell, I would done been dead by tha age of 20 if it hadn't been fo' his muthafuckin ass.[ Sighs ] da thug was mo' than mah playa yo, but it ain't no stoppin cause I be still poppin' yo. Dude was mah brother.

 **SAM  
** I be sorry, Jay.

 **JAY  
** Look, I should have listened ta you muthafuckas when you holla'd at mah crazy ass dat mah show was cappin' people.

 **DEAN  
** Well, you weren't tha one pullin tha trigger.

 **JAY  
** Yeah yo, but one of mah thugs did, n' I wanna smoke up whoz ass did dis ta Charlie, so I be bout ta do whatever you muthafuckas say. Just tell me what tha fuck ta do.

 **SAM  
** Jay, whoeverz bustin this...They like you, biatch. They're probably close ta you, biatch. Did Charlie n' Vernon git along?

 **JAY  
** No. Fuck dat shit, it aint Vernon.

 **DEAN  
** Dat punk tha only one dat make sense.

 **SAM  
** Charlie n' Vernon was yo' crew, Jay.

 **DEAN  
** And now Charliez gone.

 **JAY  
** Yeah yo, but...they butted headz sometimes yo, but Vernon could never do suttin' like dis y'all.

 **DEAN  
** See, tha thang bout real magic is itz a whole lot like crack. Muthafuckas do surprisin thangs once they git a taste of dat shit.

 **JAY  
** Yo ass betta be damn shizzle bout all dis bullshit. Vernonz all I gots left.

INT. VERNON'S HOTEL ROOM

 **VERNON  
** ( picks up phone) Yeah, biatch? Yeah, aiiight. I be bout ta be there up in two shakes. I gots suttin' ta rap anyway.

(afta Vernon leaves, Sam n' Dean enta Vernonz hotel room)

 **SAM  
** Wow. It aint nuthin but like a...magic museum.

 **DEAN  
** Yo ass must be up in heaven. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. This muthafucka don't travel light.

 **SAM  
** Dat punk been on tha road his whole game. Probably every last muthafuckin thang he owns is up in dis room.

 **DEAN  
** Letz git started.

INT. THEATER

 **VERNON  
** Just talked ta tha head of tha convention. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch yo. Headliner gig is yours.

(Jay turns around)

 **VERNON  
** What, biatch? Yo ass don't want it?

 **JAY  
** A dizzle ago, if you holla'd at mah crazy ass I'd be standin on dis stage...Fuck dat shit, I can't do it, Vernon.

 **VERNON  
** What is you poppin' off about?

 **JAY  
** Charliez gone.

 **VERNON  
** Charlie would have wanted you ta go on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. This is yo' shot. It aint nuthin but our shot.

 **JAY  
** Really, biatch? This is what tha fuck Charlie would have wanted, biatch? Charliez dead as fuckin fried chicken.

 **VERNON  
** Yo, da thug was mah playa, too, you know.

 **JAY  
** It aint nuthin but a hell of a way ta treat a gangbangin' playa.

 **VERNON  
** Again, what tha fuck is you poppin' off about?

 **JAY  
** Yo ass capped him, didn't yo slick ass, biatch? And fo' what, biatch? So dat I -- So dat we could be back on top?

 **VERNON  
** Thatz insane. (Chucklez ) no, you scarin mah dirty ass.

 **JAY  
** First dat shiznit was Vance, then dat shiznit was Jeb . Even if you thought you was bustin it fo' me, how tha fuck up in godz name could you bust a cap up in Charlie?

 **VERNON  
** Oh, yo ass is crazy.

 **JAY  
** Yo ass used me, n' you used mah act ta do dis ta his muthafuckin ass. If you be thinkin --

 **MAN  
** I wouldn't be all kindsa hard on him, Jay yo. Dude didn't do dat shit.

  
INT. VERNON'S HOTEL ROOM

 **DEAN  
** This is just a funky-ass bunch of old-Timey magic shiznit --None of it magic.

 **SAM  
** No herbs, no candles, n' no tarot cards.

 **DEAN  
** I be bout ta be damned.

 **SAM  
** What?

 **DEAN  
** (holdz up poster) Look like mah playas we know?

  
INT. THEATER

 **VERNON  
** Sweet mary n' joseph.

 **JAY  
** Charlie.


	5. Act Four

**CHARLIE  
** It aint nuthin but straight-up me, Jay.

 **VERNON  
** How tha fuck tha hell...

 **CHARLIE  
** God, you forget what tha fuck it feels like ta be young. It aint nuthin but amazing.

 **JAY  
** How tha fuck oldschool is yo slick ass?

 **CHARLIE  
** Oh, it dependz on what tha fuck you mean by "old." Right now, technically, about 28 yo, but I've been round a shitload longer than that.

 **JAY  
** How tha fuck long?

 **CHARLIE  
** Long enough ta have shilled fo' Barnum fo' realz. And he gave me something.

 **JAY  
** Whatz that?

 **CHARLIE  
** Da grimoire --A book of real magic fo' realz. At first, I thought dat shiznit was a scam yo, but then I tried one of tha spells, n' it worked. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! In fact, they all worked. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! So when I gots ta tha end n' there was one fo' immortality...

 **VERNON  
** My fuckin god, Charlie.

 **JAY  
** And mah show, tha thangs dat I can do.

 **CHARLIE  
** Different spell. But it gives you a lil taste of whatz possible. (Charlie pulls up a thugged-out deck of tarot cards) Oh, no, I wouldn't bust a nut on them, Vernon. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. They're --They're still radioactive.

 **JAY  
** Yo ass capped Vizzle n' Jeb Dexter.

 **CHARLIE  
** What, you be thinkin dis be a parlor game, biatch? Yo ass was bein humiliated by dem punks. A washed-up oldschool playa whoz ass couldn't even defend his dirty ass.

 **JAY  
** Yo ass used mah crazy ass ta do these shitty thangs.

 **CHARLIE  
** I used dem ta hit you wit a gift fo' realz. And you wanted it, Jay. I saw it up in yo' eyes.

 **JAY  
** Fuck dat shit, I never wanted this.

 **CHARLIE  
** Yo ass was locked n loaded ta bust a cap up in yo ass. I saved yo' game.

 **VERNON  
** Is dat right, Jay?

 **CHARLIE  
** I was there fo' you, like I've always been. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Like I be bout ta always be. Come wit me, both of you, biatch. Yo ass be thinkin tha last time round was good, biatch? Da second timez even mo' betta n' shiznit fo' realz. All tha know how, none of tha aches n' pain.

 **JAY  
** Fuck dat shit, I won't do all dis bullshit. I won't.

 **CHARLIE  
** I've never made dis offer before. But, then again, I've never had playaz like tha two of y'all before. Let me do dis fo' you, biatch.

 **JAY  
** And whoz ass else has ta take a thugged-out dirtnap so dat we can live forever, biatch? Whatz tha price tag on immortality, biatch? This aint right, Charlie, what tha fuck you bustin. Yo ass know dis shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Somewhere, you know that.

 **CHARLIE  
** I know I don't wanna come back alone, ta start all over, ridin' solo.

 **VERNON  
** Jay...We can be lil' again.

 **CHARLIE  
** Da three of our asses together -- Vital n' kickin it...forever

 **DEAN  
** Not so fast son! I ain't Guttenberg, n' dis ain't "Cocoon." Immortality. Thatz a neat trick.

 **CHARLIE  
** It aint nuthin but not a trick. It aint nuthin but magic. (a noose appears behind Dean, drops round his neck n' lifts his muthafuckin ass. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sam blasts Charlie, Charlie catches tha cap up in his cold-ass teeth)

 **CHARLIE  
** Yo, cap catch --Been hustlin on that.

 **DEAN  
** Git him!

 **SAM  
** Let his ass go -- Now!

 **CHARLIE  
** Just leave me n' mah playaz ridin' solo fo' realz. All right, I'ma give it up --Da spells, tha hexes. This is tha last time. I promise.

(Charlie pushes Sam onto a tha sword-table. Charlie clutches his stomach, where he is now bleeding.)

 **CHARLIE  
** Jay...Yo ass picked these strangers over me son?

 **SAM  
** Yo ass aiiight?

 **DEAN  
** Yeah. Yeah, I be all right.


	6. Act Five

INT. BAR

 **DEAN  
** Yo, Jay. Us thugs wanted ta fuck you fo' what tha fuck you did yesterday.

 **JAY  
** I capped mah dopest playa yesterday, n' you wanna give props ta me son?

 **SAM  
** Wherez Vernon?

 **JAY  
** Oh, he gone yo. Dude holla'd da ruffneck didn't wanna drop a rhyme ta me again n' again n' again afta what tha fuck I did ta Charlie.

 **DEAN  
** Listen, Jay...you know Charlie was never gonna give up what tha fuck da thug was bustin. Ever n' shit. Yo ass did tha right thang.

 **JAY  
** Is you shizzle bout that, biatch? Yo ass know, Charlie was like mah brutha n' shiznit fo' realz. And now da ruffneck dead as fuckin fried chicken... cuz I did "the right thang." Dude offered mah crazy ass a gift, n' I just threw it back up in his wild lil' face. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So now I gotta spend tha rest of mah game oldschool n' ridin' solo. Whatz so right bout that?

 **BARTENDER  
** Jay...your cards.

 **JAY  
** Throw dem away.

 **DEAN  
** Well, I don't give a fuck bout you yo, but...I could go fo' a funky-ass brew.

 **SAM  
** I'ma take a strutt.

  
EXT fo' realz. ALLEY

(Sam opens tha door ta Rubyz car)

 **SAM  
** Okay.I be in.

 **RUBY  
** What chizzled yo' mind?

 **SAM  
** I don't wanna be bustin dis when I be a oldschool man.


End file.
